Loneliness on the Tantric Path
My first course with Somananda Tantra School changed my life forever. For the better, definitely, but also, for a short time, for the worse…
For the first time I saw clearly that the things I clung to for safety and security were preventing me from soaring high in my spiritual practice and making progress along my evolutionary path. On a deep level I knew that if and when I could become detached from these things I would have nothing left but the Divine.
I desired to elevate myself and be one with the Divine, and yet my worldly foothold prevented me from going otherworldly.
A time for reflection
With no previous background or experience in spirituality or religion, this was a frightening revelation, and consequently a dilemma for me. While growing up, I learned and believed that stability came from “controlling my own destiny.”
But this was an ambiguous concept without much direction. It always left me wondering, “Am I doing it right?”. How does one know if they truly are in control of their own destiny? So far this life mission simply left me confused, empty and longing for much more.
After dipping my toe in the depths of spiritual Tantra, “reality” had suddenly become unrelatable and even unbearable at times. “Reality” could no longer fulfill me like I had pretended it did in the past. I had to figure out how to bridge this gap from where I came from to where I aspired to be.
It became painfully apparent how much effort I had been putting towards making things “just right” in the world after my first course. I found myself constantly modifying my behavior to prevent others’ discomfort. It made me ask myself, “What does the best version of me look like?”. These questions and more consumed my heart and plagued my mind.
I tried to return to my normal life after the veil of illusion had been lifted through tantric teachings. I tried to blend my old life with this new path that I was on. It didn’t take long, however, before I felt torn.
I loved my family and my friends, but suddenly, it felt like we were from two different worlds. I cared for them so much, and therefore felt responsible for sharing with them what I had learned. These teachings and knowledge changed my life so profoundly, and I knew it was the key for ending all of their suffering and confusion as well. But in trying to carry them and uplift their souls it began stunting my own growth.
Soon my spiritual path became non-negotiable and a burning desire was born that I could no longer ignore or avoid. And so I made a loving choice. I made a choice to let go. I made a choice to allow my loved ones to continue their life path without further intervention from me. I made a choice for freedom – for myself and subsequently for my friends and family. I made a choice, and ultimately, I chose me.
I chose a new me – a me that opted for more solidarity. A me that didn’t bend so much to ensure others around me didn’t feel uncomfortable. A me that was confidently on my own journey with clarity and courage.
The letting go process was bittersweet. I felt extraordinary freedom the moment I liberated myself from the responsibility of saving my friends and family and unequivocally choosing spirituality. However, I couldn’t escape the aftermath of loneliness and the heartbreak that followed in the process.
I eventually welcomed the challenge though. For me it was confirmation that I was indeed on the true path and letting go was exactly what I needed to do.
Choosing the right company
I have continued my spiritual studies with Somananda Tantra School. Each consequent course is another stepping stone for self-discovery and confirmation that I am indeed on the right path.
I understand now that what I encountered and described to you was a spiritual test. I’m happy to say I surpassed this particular test, with the grace of the Divine, and also learned a very important lesson that I hope to remember and carry through in future spiritual tests.
The lesson I learned is that not all tests will be pleasant or comfortable. In fact, most will be challenging, but I feel that is the point. Growth isn’t always easy or painless, but if it chips away one more layer of confusion and illusion, and brings me one step closer to my true nature and self-actualization, then it is well worth it.
Ultimately, in this great test of mine, I learned I’d rather live “alone” and in the presence of the Divine, than invest in people and things that do not uplift my soul and enhance my existence. If that means solitude then I’ll take it, for it allows me to know and see my path clearly and will surely guide me to live in LOVE.