A Guide to Open Relationships and Open Marriages: Meaning, Rules, Benefits, and Pitfalls

Unconventional relationship dynamics are becoming more and more common nowadays. While taking on multiple sexual partners has often been considered taboo and stigmatized, today it is recognized and accepted across a wide array of demographics.

For example, the popular American reality TV show “Sister Wives,” featuring a polygamist extended family, has given a rare glimpse into a very unusual lifestyle. And in fact, one study published in The Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy discovered that about one in five American adults had been in some form of open relationship during their lifetime.

Tantra has long embraced open relationships but for reasons different than those you might expect.

Because many people believe Tantra to be an outlandish form of kinky sex. They assume that all tantric relationships are open relationships and that the purpose of an open dynamic is strictly sexually motivated.

This guide will debunk these myths and provide you with the who, what, when, why, and how of open relationships and marriages according to the tantric philosophy and approach.

What’s an Open Relationship or Open Marriage?

An open relationship involves a form of non-monogamy in which there is one principal couple engaged in a relationship with other individuals. There is a hierarchy of sorts to open relationships such that the primary couple is central and takes precedence over other relationships.

Open relationships and open marriages cannot be described as involving cheating or infidelity because both partners are in agreement and aware of the situation. One or both partners can choose to emotionally, sexually, and/or intimately engage with someone else (or multiple people) outside of the primary relationship. The openness of the relationship is consensual.

Swinging differs from open relationships as does polyamory. Swingers tend to keep their outside relationships to the realm of sex only. Polyamory involves pursuing multiple romantic committed relationships where all relationships have equal importance. Some consider polyamory as a group relationship or group marriage where there is one husband with multiple wives, for example.

Why do Couples Choose an Open Relationship?

The reasons a tantric couple may choose to open their relationship or marriage usually differ greatly from why an average couple might do so. Let’s explore both scenarios.

The Tantric Couple

A tantric relationship is unique in that both partners are committed to an authentic spiritual path.

As individuals they engage in regular spiritual practices in the form of Tantra Yoga, meditation, and purification. They also do spiritual practices together in the form of Yoga or spiritual sexuality.

They understand their true purpose and mission as human beings and never lose sight of this even amidst daily life responsibilities and their relationship. In fact, spirituality is at the basis of all they do including love, marriage, sex, raising children, and their careers.

Both partners consider the evolution of their souls and the elevation of their consciousness as main priorities. They are whole and complete, both within the relationship and outside of it.

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The Truth About Tantric Relationships

The relationship does not define who they are, it only enhances who they are and brings them closer to their true nature. They are one with the Divine and understand that their relationship with their partner is one of the greatest tools they have to reach their spiritual goals and assist them in their personal growth. A deep and profound unconditional love exists between them.

A tantric relationship IS NOT an open relationship by definition. A tantric couple may choose to open their relationship or may decide to stay monogamous forever. It is 100 percent their choice. This is an important point I hope to really emphasize.

To put this another way, an open relationship is not tantric by nature and a tantric relationship does not need to be open in order to be tantric. 

The partners in a tantric couple choose to open their relationship only when there exists a strong foundation and a mature spiritual compass is in place for both of them. They understand that the optimal time to open their relationship is when their partnership is at its absolute best and strongest and not when there are problems, issues, or challenges. It is well understood that opening the relationship too soon and before both partners are ready could very well herald the demise of their connection.

A tantric couple would ensure the following was true before considering bringing other lovers or partners into the equation:

• The couple has been in a solid, committed relationship with each other for a period of time to establish a solid foundation and to allow their love to blossom and take firm root.
• Both partners have reached a certain level of spiritual success and achievement that has been verified by a guru.
• Both partners are committed to an ongoing daily spiritual practice with unwavering motivation. 
• The couple has an established channel of open communication that allows the needs of both partners to be heard and acknowledged.
• Both partners are in agreement about expanding their love and opening their relationship.
• Both partners are willing to map out a “Memorandum of Relating” that defines the exact terms and conditions of their unique open relationship dynamic and to adhere to the “rules” as they were discussed and agreed upon.
• Both partners agree to apply their spiritual tools in the midst of challenges (because they will definitely arise!).
• Both partners agree to operate from a place of compassion for their primary partner and relationship. 

For a tantric couple, opening up a relationship or marriage brings an opportunity and greater potential for major spiritual growth. As a tantric couple, an open relationship can:

• support you in overcoming jealousy
• help you become a more empowered individual
• help you cultivate complete solidarity and detachment
• help you confront fears of abandonment
• expand your heart chakra and your ability to love unconditionally
• help you get to know yourself on a deeper level
• improve your sexual continence, and
• develop your ability to control and master energy to a greater degree.

 You see in Tantra, things such as jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness and attachment are considered impurities at the level of the mind and the heart and are hindrances on the spiritual path. Yes, they are common and even natural and normal, however, they can and should be overcome, spiritually speaking.

From a tantric point of view, true and unconditional love can only emerge when one is able to overcome the trappings of the ego and surpass these lower vibration emotions and mental states.

Some tantric couples feel that they are not able to overcome these things in a monogamous dynamic, at least not as quickly as the couple would like. This can especially be true in the case of long-term relationships where habitual patterns of relating reign. Monogamy provides a safety net of security and assurance that many people crave. And although many beautiful qualities can develop in monogamous relationships, for some couples it feels limiting in terms of personal growth and spiritual opportunities.

In a tantric couples’ eyes, an open relationship is a fast past for evolution. It requires you to step out of your comfort zone and safety net of security and face your limiting beliefs and shortcomings head on. It is a path with unique difficulties and challenges and at the same time exponential and expedited growth. It is not an easy path but it is a fast path.

A tantric couple doesn’t enter an open partnership for fun, novelty and excitement. They do it because they are brave and bold and know that they must overcome their fear, jealousy, attachment and insecurity in order to get closer to their true nature, to elevate their level of consciousness and to ultimately reach God.

An open relationship is not tantric by nature and a tantric relationship does not need to be open in order to be tantric. 

The Conventional Couple

A conventional couple here refers to those who are not following an authentic spiritual path and are engaged in a more mainstream type of lifestyle.

We all know that nowadays the institution of marriage is in crisis. Not only are fewer people getting married but the divorce rate has reached an all-time high.

Couples are looking to both conventional and unconventional methods to save, repair, and/or extend the life of their relationship or marriage. Open relationships are on the list as one of those unconventional solutions.

Of course, I cannot provide the blanket statement that all conventional couples turn to open relationships for the reasons below – there could be others, no doubt. However, these are the most common ones I come across as a teacher of Tantra:

• The relationship is deemed irreparable but divorce or breaking up is not an option for financial reasons or because children are involved. The couple agrees to see other people.
• Sex and intimacy are unfulfilling for one or both partners or one of the partners has a high sex drive that cannot be quenched in the monogamous dynamic.
• To snap both partners out of a sleepy slumber of routine and boredom. Being open brings a certain level of excitement, spontaneity, and novelty to a relationship.
• Both partners wish to test the waters and see if the grass is indeed greener on the other side.
• To fulfill certain needs (outside of sexuality) that cannot be met with your primary partner. 

While none of the above reasons are wrong in any way, there is a certain deficiency in these motivations. They don’t arise from an empowered, united, and spiritual inspiration. Many average couples turn to open relationships out of desperation and lack of some sort, and not from a place of wholeness.

If there are current and outstanding grievances or unresolved problems within a relationship and the couple decides to open it up to others, those disputes may fall by the wayside and diminish for a short period of time due to the excitement of dating other people. But eventually any initial problem will tend to become magnified when additional people are brought into the mix.

As I mentioned above, the BEST time to open a relationship or marriage is when the relationship is at its BEST not its worst.

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Essential Prerequisites for an Open Relationship

If you wish to be successful in your transition to openness there are a few essential prerequisites that need to be in play.

First of all, honesty and trust are absolute musts. You should be able to be open and forthright with your partner about your emotional and sexual needs, and be able to articulate what you personally wish to achieve by being open.

Secondly, both partners should discuss and agree upon boundaries in advance so they can feel safe and secure. Dishonesty and holding back will surely be the downfall of transitioning to openness.

Next, a couple should have a strong communication framework in place before they choose to open their relationship. Misunderstandings are inevitable in an open dynamic and communication is the key to resolving issues as they arise.

In addition, it would be wise to study a proven communication model such as Nonviolent Communication (NVC). The NVC model is based on empathy, compassion, understanding, and a heart-based connection.

Lastly, beyond NVC, the most powerful tool you can have on your side as an open couple is spirituality. I highly recommend that all couples who wish to transition from closed to open relationships study authentic Yoga and Tantra. You will gain a deep understanding about the true purpose of relationships. You will also learn how to use universal laws in your relationship to ensure a long-lasting connection and techniques for addressing all the challenges that can arise in an open relationship.

Rules for an Open Relationship

No one open relationship looks like another. There are a variety of ways to organize an open relationship and considerations that will come into play which will be unique to each couple.

One thing is for sure though – open relationships should not be approached in a haphazard or careless way. The utmost time, care, and attention should be applied when considering all the ins and outs of your open relationship and defining the “rules of the game,” so to speak.

I recommend creating a “Memorandum of Relating” so that you have something you can reference down the road, should it be needed. This memo can be in written format and/or recorded.

Here’s a step-by-step guide for creating your own Memorandum of Relating with your partner:

1. Be in agreement. Before you have the conversation during which you define the rules of your open relationship, both you and your partner should be in complete agreement that this is the direction you wish to take your relationship. 

2. Have the conversation. Schedule a day when you have a considerable amount of time to discuss opening your relationship and defining what that looks like for each of you. It is best if you are both in a neutral mood and state of mind. Do not have the conversation if emotions are high and/or you are stressed out. 

3. Reasons. In your statement write down the reasons both of you wish to transition to openness. Be as clear and honest as possible. 

4. Goals. Write down the goals you hope to achieve both individually and together by opening up your relationship. 

5. Define the “rules.” Start defining what your open relationship looks like. Think of these as parameters and boundaries and less as restrictions or limitations. Try considering the following things:

• Will you just have lovers and only engage sexually with another partner?
• Is intimacy and love allowed with another partner and to what degree?
• How will you prioritize your primary partner and what does that look like practically?
• How much time will you invest in your other relationships?
• What will you do when challenges arise?
• How many people are you allowed to date outside of the primary relationship?
• Does your partner have a “veto power” over whom you date or with whom you are sexually active?
• Will you ask your secondary partners or lovers to regularly test for STIs? Will you yourself commit to regularly testing for STIs to protect your partner? Will you use condoms or other protection?
• Are you allowed to engage in same-sex relationships?
• Will there be sexual boundaries or limitations?
• How much time will you commit to spiritual practice daily or weekly?
• Is this an indefinite change to your relationship dynamic or a trial run?
• How much will you communicate and share with each other about your other relationships and experiences?
• Will you and your primary lover discuss your intentions with other partners before acting on them?
• Will your open relationship remain private or will you be sharing the news with friends and family? How will you handle public outings and appearances with other partners?
• What boundaries will there be for your secondary partners and lovers? How will you communicate to secondary partners about the rules, conditions, and limitations of your primary relationship with them?
• If one partner realizes after the relationship was consciously opened that he or she has had a change of heart, how will this be faced and accommodated?

6. Unanimous agreement. It is vital that you and your partner are in unanimous agreement on everything that is outlined in your Memorandum of Relating. If you are not both in alignment with the agreement, you create space for lying and negativity.

7. Prepare. Challenges will arise in an open relationship. The more partners you have the more complicated things can become and the more emotions and personalities there are to navigate. It is good to discuss with your primary partner in advance how you will handle difficult times and what worst-case scenarios might look like. It may even be effective to try to role-play some hypothetical scenarios to actually envision yourself in a situation and feel out potential responses.

8. Check in. Your memorandum should be reviewed regularly (every three to six months) to ensure that the rules are still working in favor of and supporting the goals of the primary relationship and that both partners are still in alignment with the terms and conditions. Keep in mind that this agreement can change at any time, but some initial ground rules are always a good idea. Think of your memorandum as a living, breathing document. It evolves as your open relationship evolves.

9. White flag. It is important to discuss whether either partner has the possibility to end the open relationship if they feel it is jeopardizing the primary relationship. Such a decision should be made from a detached state of mind and not emotions, though. This is where spirituality is key! This is also why discussing this prior to external involvement is important, because it is natural to become emotionally connected with new partners such that it can put one of the partners in the difficult position of leaving a relationship he or she was greatly enjoying.

Benefits of an Open Relationship

You might be asking why anyone would put themselves through the emotional risk that accompanies an open relationship.

Believe it or not, an open relationship can help you stay more committed to your primary partner. Couples in an open relationship tend to have more sex with each other and the sexual intimacy stays very much alive and passionate.

Open relationships also act as the ultimate tool for evolution and can help you confront either undesirable qualities that are innate in us all – such as jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity – or being conditional and judgmental, fear of abandonment, and so on. From a tantric perspective, this is the greatest gift and goal of an open relationship – realizing your dark side and transforming it to light.

Let’s face it, sometimes we operate in a robotic way when we are with our primary partner, especially if it is a long-term relationship. We become accustomed to the other person’s energy and expectations and we remodel and reshape ourselves to act more like the person they want us to be. We can bury certain aspects of ourselves which can make us feel like something is missing in our lives or even become depressed because we are not living up to our greatest potential nor do we feel free to be who we truly are.

A new lover can make us feel alive again and reignite certain positive characteristics that lie dormant within us. We can feel a renewed sense of joy, purpose, acceptance, sensuality, and sexuality. Men can experience a masculine revival and women can undergo a feminine blossoming in an open relationship dynamic. Not only does this benefit the individual but also the main relationship as a whole.

Lastly, open relationships require both partners to act with the utmost integrity. Spirituality, honesty, trust, vulnerability, and communication should be at the forefront at all times. These are the ultimate skills for any successful relationship and an open relationship requires you to hone and perfect them to the highest degree.

Open relationships also act as the ultimate tool for evolution and can help you confront either undesirable qualities. 

Pitfalls of Open Relationships

The biggest pitfalls of an open relationship or open marriage can be summarized into two categories:

1. Being Unprepared

Many pitfalls of open relationships come as a result of being unprepared. If you open your relationship or marriage prematurely and do not…

• have open conversations with your partner beforehand
• define the honest reasons you wish to open your relationship in the first place
• have the consent and blessing of both partners
• have a solid relationship already
• communicate in a healthy and productive way
• create your Memorandum of Relating
• outline the goals you hope to achieve in opening your relationship or marriage
• discuss worst-case scenarios in advance, or
• have a spiritual toolbox to access when issues or problems arise in an open relationship 

…then your open relationship will likely experience major challenges and could be destined to fail.

Preparedness is KEY to a healthy, productive, fulfilling, and prosperous open relationship. I cannot reiterate this enough.

2. Ego

Ego is the ultimate trickster in everyday life but especially in open relationships.

Oftentimes we will chalk up problems and issues in our relationship to something our partner is doing or not doing instead of taking a hard look inward and discovering the real reasons behind our emotions and motivations.

A lot of the issues arising in open relationships are due to fear and fear comes from the ego. Our ego likes to feel safe, secure, and in control at all times. The moment that safety and security feel threatened, the ego will act without thinking. Its only job is to reinstate safety at whatever cost and means necessary.

Let’s look at jealousy, for example. Jealousy comes from feeling inadequate or not good enough, comparing ourselves to others, a lack of self-worth and self-confidence, and/or not feeling deserving or worthy. Jealousy comes from our ego.

Rarely do we recognize jealousy for what it is though. We tend to have a blind spot when it comes to unbecoming feelings such as jealousy and it shows up in our open relationship in unsuspecting ways and in disguise.

Below I am going to give you two scenarios in which jealousy shows up in an open relationship dynamic. The first scenario is more typical, especially for the partners in a couple who were unprepared or emotionally and spiritually immature when they opened their relationship. The second scenario is an alternative and spiritual approach to addressing jealousy in an open relationship dynamic.

Scenario #1: Typical

The husband within an open relationship feels badly. Lately, he has made the following comments to his wife:

“I really miss the times when it was just you and me. I don’t think this open relationship is for us. Let’s go back to monogamy.”

TRUTH: He is experiencing jealousy and is uncomfortable with it and maybe even suffering. Monogamy was much safer. Rather than confronting his jealousy he wants to end the open dynamic.

“I don’t like that lover of yours. He gives me a bad vibe. I think he wants you all to himself and wants to take my place. You need to end that connection.”

TRUTH: He is threatened by the secondary partner or lover and is worried his wife will abandon him and leave him for good.

“Well look at you all dressed up. You don’t dress up like that for me! This new lover of yours must be someone really special.”

TRUTH: He is dishing out passive-aggressive comments and compliments indicating he is feeling insecure. This is a cry for help and he wants his wife to reassure him and restore his self-confidence.

Do you see how seemingly legitimate concerns and comments have jealousy hidden at the core of them? This is how sneaky the ego can be.

The ego already feels vulnerable and unsafe because it feels jealous. The last thing the ego wants you to do is to be emotionally transparent and admit jealousy. Instead, the ego finds ways to hide the truth and to end its suffering by blaming something or someone external to itself.

Scenario #2: Spiritual

A wife approaches her husband and says:

“Honey, I have been having a lot of doubts about our open dynamic lately and wondered whether we should just go back to being monogamous. I wanted to make sure this was coming from an unemotional and detached place and so I decided to do some journaling, yogic practices, and meditation. Upon further reflection, I discovered that the reason I’ve thought I wanted to go back to monogamy is that I am experiencing extreme jealousy and insecurity. I am so scared that you are going to find someone better than me – someone who fulfills you on levels that I perhaps cannot. I just wanted to be open and honest with you. I am not shaming or blaming you and you do not need to do anything differently. I would love it though if you could help support me through this. Do you have any thoughts or recommendations on how I can get through this? I really want to confront my jealousy head-on.”

In this example, the wife was open, honest, vulnerable, accountable, and mature. She had to have self-awareness and patience in order to take a step back from her urge to end the open relationship abruptly without first contemplating the “why.”

She turned to her spiritual toolbox and looked at the situation from a spiritual point of view, without ego and with detachment. She sublimated her energy by doing specific yogic practices and then quieted her mind in meditation. She waited. In time she received a divine intuition and clarity that allowed her to pinpoint the root cause for wanting to end the open dynamic… She was jealous!

Through open and honest communication, she was not only able to express her fears and feelings of jealousy but she also gained the compassion and support of her husband to overcome these feelings and limitations.

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These pitfalls can be overcome but it will take a lot of maturity, self-awareness, patience, honesty and persistence.

Prepare yourself using the step-by-step instructions outlined above. Invest in your spiritual education so that you can become personally responsible and accountable for your actions, motivations, thoughts, and emotions. Only through spiritual means can you truly become self-aware and perceptive of your ego and all of its tricks.

By doing these two things, you and your partner can join a class of elite relationships – ones which are rooted in God first and foremost and represent a true meeting of souls.

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FAQ

1. What if I suffer from jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity? Should I end my open relationship?

It’s important to know that jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity are normal human emotions. Everybody experiences these to one degree or another.

However, tantrically speaking these emotions represent impurities and are the opposite of love. Tantra says you need to bravely and courageously confront these emotions and surpass them.

How, you ask?

Through proven tantric and yogic practices such as sublimation, opening the heart chakra, and developing detachment. Open relationships can also be a great tool for overcoming jealousy and insecurity, albeit they are a very steep route to go. This is why I recommend that you have a few years of spiritual practice under your belt before you open your relationship.

Whether you should or should not end an open relationship based on these emotions alone, I cannot say for sure. This is dependent on the specific circumstances of your relationship and the couple involved. If you are truly on the spiritual path and practice Tantra Yoga regularly, you may be better equipped to persist in an open relationship and ultimately overcome these negative emotions. If you are not, it may be best to confront your tendencies towards jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness in stages and steps – a little bit at a time.

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2. What if my partner brings home an STI or gets a secondary partner pregnant?

These potential situations should all be discussed when creating your Memorandum of Relating and before you start an open relationship. This memo is not there for the good times but rather to support you in the challenging times. Be sure to outline exactly how you will handle worst-case scenarios step-by-step and when or if that scenario arises, follow your action and resolution plan in your memorandum exactly.

3. What if my partner wants an open relationship but I’m not sure?

It is my opinion that both partners need to be in agreement before embarking on an open relationship path. If you are not a 100% yes, then you are a no in my book. An open relationship premised on shaky ground and being forced into a situation that you are not in alignment with is destined for failure. This is also why each partner must be very mature and absolutely respectful of their partner. Neither partner should feel pressured to please the other by acquiescing to this type of arrangement.

I would suggest that you ask your partner for patience for a certain period of time (6 to 12 months) to contemplate transitioning to an open relationship. During that time, seriously study Yoga and Tantra. Learn about Spiritual Tantra Sexuality and Tantra of Relationships. Do Tantra Yoga regularly and try to open your heart chakra more and more. If you commit to such a path, I believe you will come to a clear decision from a spiritual point of view as to whether you want an open relationship or not. Your decision won’t come from fear or emotions but from knowledge and empowerment.

4. What if I fall in love with a secondary partner?

For most, when sexual intimacy is involved, feelings of love are inevitable. This is especially true for women as our emotional constitution is simply different.

Again, it is a wise idea to discuss these things in advance with your partner and to have clear guidelines on how you will handle such situations in your Memorandum of Relating.

In Tantra it is not impossible to love two people at the same time. Mothers and fathers have this capacity when it comes to multiple children. The truth is every human has the capacity to love more than one person fully and completely. You can still honor your central relationship and love your primary partner fully and also love another.

However, keep in mind the feelings of your secondary partner in this case as well. Make sure you have clear conversations and boundaries with him/her about how far your relationship can go and what boundaries are in place in your primary relationship.

Is an Open Relationship or Open Marriage Right for You?

Only you can decide whether an open relationship is right for you. Opening a relationship requires that you take a honest look at yourself and your beliefs surrounding love, relationships, and sex. It requires a lot of maturity, compassion, and open communication, not to mention an unwavering trust and faith in your primary relationship and partner.

I personally believe open relationships are best reserved for those on a spiritual path who have a more spiritually oriented perspective regarding the true purpose of relationships. Additionally, a spiritual path will provide a guiding light, a spiritual compass, and powerful techniques to overcome any and all challenges that couples in an open relationship will undoubtedly face.

One thing is for sure – being in an open relationship isn’t for everyone and it doesn’t necessarily show a lack of maturity or sophistication if you prefer and value monogamy. In the end, being truthful with your partner and honoring yourself is what is most important.